Cheat.

"The only way this will work is if you give it the full thirty days, no cheats, slips or “special occasions.” This isn’t Whole9 playing the tough guy. This is a FACT, born of education and experience. You need such a small amount of any of these inflammatory foods to break the healing cycle – one bite of pizza, one splash of milk in your coffee, one lick of the spoon mixing the batter within the 30 day period and you’ve broken the “reset” button. You must commit to the full program, exactly as written. Anything less and we make no claims as to your results, or the chances of your success. Anything less and you are selling yourself – and your potential results – short."

This is taken directly from the guidelines for the Whole30 from the Whole9life website. So guess what happened today? I ate something non-compliant with whole30. As I was coming home from work I ran into my boyfriend leaving our building, heading across the street to the weekly farmer's market. I decided to tag along. While it was a very small farmer's market, there was some great stuff on offer (a huge variety of organic, pasture raised meats, bright, fresh raspberries and strawberries, and free run organic chicken and quail eggs). Any of these things would have made a perfect whole30 choice, and I certainly plan to go back next week to pick some of these items up, but today I got a gorgeous, homemade strawberry-rhubarb pie. 

I'm going to back up a bit. Before starting paleo one of the biggest issues I had with food was self-control. I could buy a container of ice cream or pack of cookies and I would eat until I felt sick. Not a serving, not a bowl, but so much that I couldn't physically eat more (or I had eaten it all). I wasn't enjoying the food after a certain point and even though my brain was telling me to stop, something urged me on. Starting paleo gave me the ability to say "no" and to re-esablish my relationship with food. Whether it's sweet or savoury, I can control what and how much of something I eat and thanks to reading It Starts With Food I understand that I'm not alone in my unhealthy relationships with food. 

Now, back to the pie. It's just a tiny one (about 5" diameter) but that doesn't matter. It's still not whole30. So I have three options: one, I start over. Tomorrow. Tomorrow becomes my new day one and I carry on until July 11th on my new whole30. Two, I give up. I concede that whole30 is not for me and I go back to the less strict version of paleo I was on before. Call it a "whole11" and say it just wasn't for me. Or three, I carry on. Tomorrow is still day twelve and I keep cooking and eating healthfully until the end of the month. 

Well, I think I'm going for option 3. Part of me changing my relationship with food is letting go of the guilt that washes over me every time I eat something bad. Food should make me feel good, not guilty. Food should be savoured and enjoyed, not vilified and seen as a "cheat". I don't like that word and I'm done with feeling guilty. That little pie (nearly all of which is still wrapped up in my fridge) was not baked with the intentions of making someone unhappy. It was made by people who love what they do and take pride in what they make. I've decided to treat is as such. Maybe it's not the answer Dallas and Melissa Hartwig want to hear, but it's the answer for me.